Premiership's elite show they have the biggest cahounas

Not since Puppetry of the Penis has two men fondling balls on stage in a crowded auditorium being so widely received.

Not by me of course, having been subjected to an impromptu DVD airing of the theatrical contortion of the male genitalia during a recent fancy dress party I can confirm it’s not a pleasant visual experience for ones peepers.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, it wasn’t that kind of gathering.

It was one of those moments when the boys cowered in the corner while the women went wild as one of the Australian tosspots tried in vein to get their scrotum to resemble a cuckoo clock.

The big difference yesterday was that the balls fiddled with by UEFA’s General Secretary David Taylor and Roma legend Bruno Conti shaped how Europe’s footballing elite will line up for the run in of its biggest most bulging competition.

It was the Champions League quarter final draw and this time it made salivating viewing for everyone.

The draw itself gave three of the four English sides making up the last eight a great chance of making the semis.

The routine Chelsea against Liverpool tie was confirmed as a formality.

Manchester United were drawn against Porto and Arsenal thrust against the tricky Villarreal.

In the only non English tie, Bayern Munich will pit themselves against the mighty Barcelona.

The giants of Stamford Bridge and Anfield will once again battle it out in the competition for the fourth straight year.

In what is normally a tight, cagey affair the game will be Guus Hiddink’s biggest test since becoming Roman Ambrovich’s wingman.

The Russian will have to conquer the master of Europe Rafa Benitez.

The Spaniard is so successful on the continent we might as well shove a microphone under his nose and kick him on stage as our entry for this year’s Eurovision.

Despite being full of confidence on the back of destroying Real Madrid and Manchester United the draw has swung in Chelsea’s favour with the second leg of the tie at the Bridge.

But whether that will be enough for the revitalised Blues to stop the formidable Torres and Gerrard remains to be seen.

The winners of that tie will have no easy route to the final having been drawn against the winners of the Barcelona and Bayern Munich game.

Arsenals route into the semis is being blocked by a potential banana skin against Villarreal.

The Gunners sank the yellow submarines on their way to the final in 2006 but the narrow margin of that defeat will only spur the Spaniards on.

A reunion with Robert Pires will spark danger as will the abilities of Santi Cazorla and Ariel Ibagaza.

But Arsene Wenger will be confident; especially with the accelerating rehabilitation of Cesc Fabregas, Theo Walcott and Eduardo who may all be fit enough to play some part in the tie.

Manchester United will believe they have the easiest of the three ties involving their Premiership counterparts.

They face Portugese giants Porto who despite knocking out Atletico Madrid do not pose a significant threat to the current European champions.

If they do conquer the Dragons, an epic with Arsenal may await them.

You can be sure Sir Alex will be unflinchingly focused as hopes of an unprecedented and historic Quintuple remain within the realms of possibility.

Who will lift the glorious shiny European trophy come May?

I think this one’s too close to call, plus I don’t want to end up looking like a penis…no matter what the shape and size.