Capello's home movie makes for pleasurable viewing

While Home Secretary Jacqui Smith was probably charging us for her porn collection again, David Beckham was becoming England’s greatest capped outfield player as he came on at half time against Slovakia last night.

Much has been made of whether he is worthy of taking the accolade from the late, great Bobby Moore which is something I don’t quite understand.

The marking of the landmark has seen usual crop of “Beckham-bashers” crawl out from under their stones to slate him just because he wasn’t as good as Moore.

Many are quick to criticise the former skipper for not guiding the great crop of underachievers to anything more than a World Cup quarter final.

The man has always given his all for his country whether it has come off or not.

People need to remember that Moore’s legacy is not under threat by this achievement and should give well deserved credit to Beckham.

Any player who can make that amount of appearances for their country are well worth being applauded. His passing and dead ball ability as well as his role as an ambassador for the game make him England’s most outstanding footballer in recent years.

Beckham was still showing his undoubted class against the Slovaks by providing a perfectly chipped cross to set up the “crazy” cranium of Wayne Rooney to nod in England’s second.

You’ve got to ask yourself how many of the current crop will now go on beat his record?

Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Steven Gerrard and Ashley Cole are all well on their way to take Beckham’s new title.

Records are there to be broken and Beck’s undoubted mental strength and determination to fight for his place in the England squad has paid dividends.

But his introduction for the second period was only part of a very good night for England.

Fabio Capello again proved he has got the team playing with more fluidity and focus.

Gone have the rigid days of Sven’s unshakable 4-4-2 as we now finally look to be adapting to modern world football.

The players look to have an understanding of what is being asked of them by playing in different formations and systems.

Many of the current midfield and forward line are able to offer Capello a choice of playing them in more than one position which is resulting in a more flexible, interchangeable, aesthetically pleasing England.

While the excellent Rooney became the big daddy, the likes of Gerrard and Lampard both looked more comfortable in an England shirt. Aaron Lennon’s pace was an asset, as was the astute performance of Glenn Johnson at right back.

Although there are still some concerns that better teams than Slovakia may be able to get at us. At times the back four is being made to look extremely vulnerable by our forward thinking midfield.

Plus there’s the mini striking crisis, with Darren Bent now linking up with the squad due to Emile Heskey and Carlton Cole’s enforced withdrawals and Peter Crouch’s severed hip.

But the signs look promising. Next up is the Ukraine on Wednesday with victory imperative to World Cup qualification.

Let’s just hope the players don’t over exert themselves by watching any of Jacqui Smith’s personal favourites on the hotel’s pay per view the night before the game.

Premiership's elite show they have the biggest cahounas

Not since Puppetry of the Penis has two men fondling balls on stage in a crowded auditorium being so widely received.

Not by me of course, having been subjected to an impromptu DVD airing of the theatrical contortion of the male genitalia during a recent fancy dress party I can confirm it’s not a pleasant visual experience for ones peepers.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, it wasn’t that kind of gathering.

It was one of those moments when the boys cowered in the corner while the women went wild as one of the Australian tosspots tried in vein to get their scrotum to resemble a cuckoo clock.

The big difference yesterday was that the balls fiddled with by UEFA’s General Secretary David Taylor and Roma legend Bruno Conti shaped how Europe’s footballing elite will line up for the run in of its biggest most bulging competition.

It was the Champions League quarter final draw and this time it made salivating viewing for everyone.

The draw itself gave three of the four English sides making up the last eight a great chance of making the semis.

The routine Chelsea against Liverpool tie was confirmed as a formality.

Manchester United were drawn against Porto and Arsenal thrust against the tricky Villarreal.

In the only non English tie, Bayern Munich will pit themselves against the mighty Barcelona.

The giants of Stamford Bridge and Anfield will once again battle it out in the competition for the fourth straight year.

In what is normally a tight, cagey affair the game will be Guus Hiddink’s biggest test since becoming Roman Ambrovich’s wingman.

The Russian will have to conquer the master of Europe Rafa Benitez.

The Spaniard is so successful on the continent we might as well shove a microphone under his nose and kick him on stage as our entry for this year’s Eurovision.

Despite being full of confidence on the back of destroying Real Madrid and Manchester United the draw has swung in Chelsea’s favour with the second leg of the tie at the Bridge.

But whether that will be enough for the revitalised Blues to stop the formidable Torres and Gerrard remains to be seen.

The winners of that tie will have no easy route to the final having been drawn against the winners of the Barcelona and Bayern Munich game.

Arsenals route into the semis is being blocked by a potential banana skin against Villarreal.

The Gunners sank the yellow submarines on their way to the final in 2006 but the narrow margin of that defeat will only spur the Spaniards on.

A reunion with Robert Pires will spark danger as will the abilities of Santi Cazorla and Ariel Ibagaza.

But Arsene Wenger will be confident; especially with the accelerating rehabilitation of Cesc Fabregas, Theo Walcott and Eduardo who may all be fit enough to play some part in the tie.

Manchester United will believe they have the easiest of the three ties involving their Premiership counterparts.

They face Portugese giants Porto who despite knocking out Atletico Madrid do not pose a significant threat to the current European champions.

If they do conquer the Dragons, an epic with Arsenal may await them.

You can be sure Sir Alex will be unflinchingly focused as hopes of an unprecedented and historic Quintuple remain within the realms of possibility.

Who will lift the glorious shiny European trophy come May?

I think this one’s too close to call, plus I don’t want to end up looking like a penis…no matter what the shape and size.

Coyle’s Clarets are no vultures

While Sheffield United continue to count how lucky they were to finish as high as eighteenth during their last Premiership campaign the rest of us must stop working out ways we could get compensation off West Ham.

First we had Neil Warnock claiming Sheffield United’s unfair relegation cost him the chance of being a Premiership manager.

Next was the ex players dreaming of cashing in on their faltering careers, while today, the leech that is Ken Bates has stated he believes Leeds should get money for missed out add-ons from the transfers of Rob Hulse, Matthew Kilgallon and Ian Bennett to Bramall Lane.

What’s next? Hotdog sellers, taxi drivers and local prostitutes all complaining at the loss of Premiership pounds.

The compensation culture over this incident has gone mad. It wouldn’t surprise me if Carlos Tevez was taking legal advice claiming the stress was causing him to lose his good looks.

Neil Warnock has now taken centre stage in the saga. It seems his sense of “injustice” has become so strong that when he looks into his wallet he sees his giant head replace Her Majesty’s bonce on all his currency.

A bloke who’d feel hard done by in a lottery win, Warnock’s known for his extreme case of small man syndrome. So small in fact, that if it wasn’t for his gargantuan cranium he would have swapped football for a career with Ken Dodd’s Diddymen.

Perhaps a man whose Crystal Palace side sit ten points out of the playoff places should be concentrating on becoming a top flight manager once more instead of dreaming of becoming the new Declan Swan.

In fact, I can imagine him becoming Swan’s replacement in one of those “Claims Direct” adverts peering worryingly into an incubator hoping his ego doesn’t recover from the trauma of being back in the Championship so he can sue the arse off anyone he can.

If I were a Palace fan I’d be worried, Warnock’s become parody of a hung up bitter old woman who can’t make anymore social bonds because she’s still pining for her bastard ex. I just hope for Mrs Warnock’s sake it’s not the imagery of sitting cosily next to Stuart McCall in the dugout that’s spurring Neil on.

We’ve seen this season that managers embroiled in media slanging matches see their team’s hopes falter almost instantly. And on the day Warnock declares he wants a couple of extra quid because his side were relegated two years ago? Palace were beaten three one by relegation flirting Barnsley.

This is why he should put this to bed and concentrate on proving he is a Premiership manager instead of whining.

Warnock has the option to put all his efforts into becoming a top flight boss once again or fade into obscurity and end up leaving the game with a legacy of bitterness and resentment (although whatever he ends up doing that is still possible).

With the Championship’s run in becoming ever shorter, Palace along with a number of other teams now look to be out of the running. It’s likely that those who currently form the top eight will make up the three promoted teams at the end of the season.

After back to back wins against Crystal Palace and Nottingham Forrest, Burnley’s point away at Ipswich last night was vital in the playoff push.

Currently sitting in fifth place and with seven games to play, our Owen Coyle is still in with the chance of topping off this remarkable season by earning Burnley promotion.

And if President Coyle does pull it off it would be no accident. Not one you he could claim compensation for anyway.

It's back to the grind of the cup...

Do you know when Burnley last did the double over Arsenal in a season?

Because I don’t; it may have been in our pomp in the sixties or for all I know it may never have happened.

I realise it may not be wise to start an article with a statistic so thoroughly un-researched but I’m no statto. I have far better things to do than masturbating over past encounters of who beat who, when and where.

The internet’s for other things.

This season it could happen though and that’s why tomorrow’s game at the Emirates is so tantalising to every Clarets fan out there.

We’ve enjoyed the ecstasy and its pitying come downs from cup competitions already this season.

The joys of seeing off Fulham, Chelsea and the Gunners still loom large, while who can ever stop thinking about the epic semi final against Tottenham.

The pain of that defeat still hurt at the League Cup’s climax last weekend. If we’d have got there we would have never of been beaten by an Ipod.

Tomorrow will see a convoy of Claret set off before sunrise to the city of dreams, crime, cockneys and Ashley Cole.

Of course this game is a round behind the rest of the teams left in the FA Cup due to the snow that forced Arsenal to call off their game against Cardiff a month ago due to supporter safety.

Fancy a stadium like the Emirates not having under concourse heating? The amateurs.

Arsene Wenger will field a stronger side than the one that appeared at the Turf just over four months ago. The likes of Walcott, Eduardo, Arshavin, Gallas and Van Persie could all be restored to the red and white line-up.

Burnley are shaky in defence with Michael Duff suspended and Rhys Williams ineligible.

But the good news is that Clark Carlise looked more like his old self when he returned to the side against Blackpool midweek, while top scorer Martin Paterson and cup hero Brian Jensen should shake off knocks to take to the field.

Burnley have only lost two of their last eight league and cup meetings with Arsenal and in Owen Coyle we have a man that guided St Johnstone to the semi-finals of both of Scotland's major cup competitions in 2007-08.

Who said I wasn’t a statto?

With Coyle and the rest of the backroom staff pumping the lads up into the same euphoric spirit that dumped Arsene Wenger’s young scallywags out of the Carling Cup in December we can still “dare to dream.”

Those three words seem to have become the mantra of the season so far.

The dream would of course be to win at Wembley in May via the Playoffs and reach the Premiership promise land.

But while we wait for the climax of that, these days out continue to be a welcome distraction.

Of course, our recent form may suggest our cup jaunts have taken its toll at Championship level. But with the form of every team in that division being as wayward as Mr Cheryl Cole after a couple of cocktails we still have a chance.

It means we’re able to forget our playoff push for just one day and go to the Emirates full of hope and spirit for another great day out which could transform into another Claret and Blue coloured upset.