Its panto season...but whos playing the back of the horse?

Its not even December and pantomime season is already upon us.

Not only do we have terrible acting in the form of an attempted dive by Wayne Rooney midweek but we also have more managers playing Widow Twanky than I care to mention.

The only thing that might be missing is a choir of Spurs fans singing risqué double entendre to Sol Campbell.

Although that’s probably a good thing.

This weekend seems to be a week of derbies, with Manchester, the Tyne Tees and London all gearing up for heavily anticipated clashes.

In Manchester, Six Alex, unfortunately not wearing a wig and a dress, has been dismissing City’s chances of eventually overtaking United with their vast new found fortunes and even found time in his analysis to conclude Arsenal are in “disarray”.

“Oh yes we are” screamed Hughes.

“Oh no we’re not” whispered Wenger.

Pantomime villain William Gallas’ behaviour has for a long time been as bizarre as Britney Spear’s reported X Factor demands and it was only right he was dropped as captain.

Now the articulate Frenchman has written a book, which if previous form is anything to go by will probably seal his transfer away from the Emirates.

Chelsea manager Luiz Felipe Scolari has backed the Gunner’s insisting they are not out of the title race just yet and a victory against his side on Sunday would get their season back on track.

I doubt Wenger and his players even believe Scolari’s prophecy. In fact it’s probably about as convincing as that old fairy tale where three bears chase away a dirty young scamp for messing around in their bed.

And no, I’m not making more revelations about Boy George’s private life.

As the season hots up, expect more of these mind games, dramas and verbal foul play.

Let’s just hope the jousting continues to be as thrilling on the pitch as it is off it.

For football is a pantomime that’s available to audiences all year round.

It’s just a shame nobody can camply shout “he’s behind you” to whichever players about to be tackled by Graeme Le Saux anymore.

Only joking Graeme.

Forget president...step forward the new master of the universe.

Last week I called for President Coyle to step forward…now he’s gone beyond that accolade…step forward Owen Coyle- Master of the Universe.

Anything could’ve happened in the world of football this week and it would still have played second fiddle to my chosen topic.

Even Fergie revealing a long standing love affair with Arsene Wenger or Kevin Keegan returning to St James’ Park in a spaceship couldn’t have moved Burnley beating Chelsea from number one.

And remember, this was in a week that Fabio Capello banned tomato ketchup from meal times in the England squad.

So Wednesday saw a glorious victory for Burnley Football Club over Premier League table toppers Chelsea.

It was truly a night of Claret and Blue hearts.

Some might try and diminish the victory by saying it wasn’t a full Chelsea side. But of the fit players available to Luis Felipe Scolari only Petr Cech, John Terry, Bosingwa and Nicolas Anelka were omitted.

The likes of Deco, Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard, Flourant Malouda, John Obi Mikel, Solomon Kalou, Wayne Bridge and Alex all featured in the line up and were equally matched by the heroic Championship outfit.

Beating any Chelsea team at Stamford Bridge is some feat and one Owen Coyle’s men did with great aplomb.

Throughout the night over six thousand travelling Clarets sang their hearts out and were rewarded with a result beyond their wildest dreams.

The euphoria that was experienced when Ade Akinbiyi followed up Chris Eagles shot to thunder the ball home was something special.

In fact the whole experience is something that can never be taken away from the club and the fans.

The image of Brian Jensen flying across the goal to save Obi Mikel’s penalty will go down in Burnley folklore.

The only thing that has threatened to overshadow it was the coin throwing incident where Burnley fans and Didier Drogba exchanged loose change.

It’s not something which I wish to dwell on but anybody throwing coins at a football match for whatever reason is an idiot.

The only thing I will say about Drogba is that if he played the game by purely showing his ability as he did for the goal then there would not be a problem.

However the constant petulance and child like manner shown by the man wouldn’t be tolerated at children’s level.

Constant diving and chasing referees may be part of life in the Premiership but not in the Championship where the game is slightly more honest.

In order to achieve true greatness any sportsman must act with grace and the attitude of the champion, something Drogba for all his undoubted power and ability is yet to add to his game.

After over two hours of constant signing my vocal chords were worn thinner than one of Jodie Marsh’s thongs but we were home and dry.

But somehow it never seemed in doubt. Chelsea flattered to deceive going forward and rarely threatened with clear cut opportunities.

It was one of those games where it seemed written in the stars.

Let’s just hope Blackburn Rovers in the quarter finals is carved into the constellation when the draw is made tomorrow.

Step forward President Coyle...

What a wonderful week for the world.

Barack Obama is the President elect of the United States of America.

Lewis Hamilton is Formula One Champion.

And Burnley Football Club are nestled comfortably in the top six in the Championship.

There’s definitely some sort of new world order.

But while Barack gets his teeth into solving the global economic crisis, steering us away from impending Armageddon and buying puppies, it’s President Coyle that gets my plaudits.

The wee Scotsman is busy transforming the Clarets into a solid but attractive outfit who are playing with great flair, elegance and panache.

The likes of Robbie Blake and Chris Eagles look head and shoulders above anyone else in that department but with the aptitude of Chris McCann, Wade Elliot, Martin Paterson and Joey Gudjonsson they are ably assisted.

The back line has also been excellent, totally transformed from the disorganised bunch of gimps that turned up for the first two games of the season which saw the team ship seven goals.

Much of the praise must go to the gaffer Mr Owen Coyle was who has worked hard to get a team who plays attractive football, rarely concedes and are difficult to beat.

The club's recent success seems to be much attributed to the tremendous team spirit.

It’s great to see players celebrating a victory with such vigour, although their obsession with red underpants is quite disturbing.

Long may this wave of good fortune continue and if promotion was to be achieved then Coyle can expect much more than the honours bestowed on Obama this week.

But as we all know the Championship is a tight league where a couple of wins or defeats could see your position go up and down faster than Amy Winehouse’s knickers…well that’s if her husband Blake got his way after his promise on release from prison this week.

The same thing seems to be happening in the Premiership. In recent seasons there has definitely been almost three mini leagues operating within the twenty team structure but in recent weeks these boundaries have faded faster than John McCain’s Presidency hopes.

Just four points separates seventh and nineteenth at the start of play today with one more win for a rejuvenated Spurs meaning every team will have more points in November than Derby County did last May.

It's anyone’s guess at this stage who will get dragged in to the relegation battle by the end of the season, although on current form those teams facing the drop could easily be two wins away from attaining a much coveted spot in the UEFA Cup.

The performances of the promoted teams Stoke and Hull in particular have thrown the proverbial cat amongst the pigeons.

Hull City have undoubtedly been the surprise package of the season so far. Phil Brown seems to have found an effective way of playing the Premiership's elite and has been getting results.

Although I put it down to his lucky charm. Joes Mourinho had his “lucky” jacket while Brown has his “lucky” tan leather shoes…and skin.

But it is great to see a young fearless English manager not cowering to the bright lights of the big four and getting his team to have a good go at them.

One man who will always have a good go at his opponent is Joe Calazaghe who could possibly be bringing the curtain down on his so far unbeaten career tonight.

The Welshman has been an example to all sportsmen during his forty five fight professional career.

Whatever happens tonight against the legendary Roy Jones JR Calzaghe will go down in history as one of Britain’s great fighters.

Whether he chooses to fight on or not, let’s just hope his professional record reads 46 Wins, 0 Losses, 0 Draws in the morning.

A week of funny phone calls...

Who would have thought a phone call could have had such a tremendous impact on the country this week?

I mean, the one Daniel Levy made to Harry Redknapp has worked wonders.

Fortunes can turn on such decisions as to dial the right number, as can the careers of our best loved entertainers.

The furore that has followed Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross around this week has been ludicrous.

I know it’s not football but they might as well as have rounded old Manuel’s granddaughter up in a hotel and given her an old fashioned footballers roasting for the conjecture they’ve received during the last seven days.

What annoyed me about the whole incident was the fact some thirty thousand people took it upon themselves to get upset on someone else’s behalf when their perfectly capable of dealing with the situation.

Andrew Sach’s said he dealt with what happened and was happy with the outcome but his opinion wasn’t respected by the P.C brigade who treated him like a doddering, old senile fool simply because he wasn’t baying for blood or wanting heads to roll.

I could understand if all these people were offended by listening to the programme, but very few did, shown by the two complaints the show received following transmission.

It’s funny what people will do when an “idiot’s guide” to complaining is printed in a national newspaper.

The Nazi like indoctrination and oppression of thought carried out by The Daily Mail this week has painted a sad picture for the future of the written press in this country.

Still, I wonder where they got idea from?

Anyway back to the football and one of those other phone calls.

Juande Ramos and “Changing Rooms” Comolli have been sacked by Spurs leaving ‘Arry Redknapp with a blank canvas to weave his magic brush.

An instant impact with victory over Bolton was followed by a miraculous comeback to draw four all against Arsenal.

Spurs fans are probably already fantasising about a push for the top four.

But good luck to ‘Arry as he deserves the chance to manage a big club and big players.

The third funny phone call this week has seen the biggest player on the planet return as Diego Maradona will be putting his God hand to good use filling in team sheets, writing tactics and directing instructions as Argentina’s new national team coach.

Clean of the booze and drugs can El Diego turn Argentina back into world beaters?

Quite possibly.

Although for our sakes lets hope he doesn’t hire a goalkeeping coach to train the outfield players…